面對癌症 那些年小狗教我的事
Leap Year Day, 1986: I drove up to a ramshackle house in Berkeley to pick out my first dog. It was a month before my two-year cancer anniversary, at which point I would be considered “cured,” and I was ready to make a commitment – to life, longevity and a puppy.
1986年的閏年日：我驅車前往伯克利，在一幢破破爛爛的房子裏，挑選了我的第一隻狗。一個月後，就是我癌症兩週年的日子，到時候我將被認爲“痊癒”了，我已經準備好做出承諾——對生活、對生命以及，對一隻小狗。
In a local paper I had seen an ad for a litter of cocker spaniels; among the nine pups I watched the runt get trampled over and pushed aside from the kibble. Too small for the forces stacked against her, but determined to stay in the game, the little female struck a chord in me. “That’s my dog,” I said as I paid two Benjamins for her. I know it sounds treacly, but it truly was “puppy love” at first sight.
我是從當地報紙上看到的關於這窩可卡犬的廣告。一共有九隻幼崽，我發現其中最弱小的那隻被它的兄弟姐妹踩在腳下，遠遠地擠離了狗食盆。它太小了，無力抵抗加諸在它身上的暴力，但它始終不屈不撓，不肯放棄。我被這隻小母狗深深地觸動了。“我想要這隻狗，”我說，併爲它支付了200美元。我知道這故事聽起來似乎太甜，但我確實是第一眼就喜歡上了這隻狗狗。
It didn’t matter a bit to me that she was fully accredited by the American Kennel Club (which I figure is akin to being a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution). I was much more enthralled by her political lineage. Her “mother” and “father” had joined many Vietnam-era protests. Soon enough, this little dog would make her debut in San Francisco’s Gay and Lesbian Freedom Day Parade.
我一點也不在乎它得到了美國犬業俱樂部（American Kennel Club，我推測它是個跟“美國革命女兒會”[Daughters of the American Revolution]類似的機構）權威認證，倒是對它的“政治家譜”更感興趣。她的“爸爸”和“媽媽”都參加過衆多越戰時代的抗議活動。很快，這隻小狗也會在舊金山的同性戀自由日遊行(Gay and Lesbian Freedom Day Parade)中首次亮相。
For 13 years, “Billie” was the four-legged love of my life. She was fearless: On hot days, she would leap into our backyard pool and then paddle to the steps, climb out, and do it all over again. She was peripatetic: Over her lifetime she obtained elite status on United, having flown miles and miles in the airline’s friendly skies. And she was smart: able to open doors with a single paw.
13年來，這隻名叫比莉(Billie)的狗狗一直是我四條腿的“愛人”。它勇敢無畏：在炎熱的日子裏，它會縱身躍入我們家後院的游泳池，一路撲騰到臺階上，然後爬出來，再來一遍。它很逍遙：它獲得了美國聯合航空公司(United)的終生貴賓資格，已經在該航空公司友好的服務中飛過千里。它很聰明：能用單爪打開門。
Billie was also ahead of her time, with two dads long before that became downright cool. Still trend-setting in her middle years, she became a poster pup for joint custody when I moved to the East Coast for a new job. When the New York gig fizzled, Billie and I moved back to the Bay Area.
此外，比莉還很前衛，早在人類的同性戀得到承認之前，它就有了兩隻“狗爹”。在步入中年後，它仍然走在潮流尖端，當我搬到東海岸從事新工作時，它登上了“共同監護權(joint custody)”的主題海報。後來，我在紐約的工作草草收場，比莉又跟着我回到了灣區。
Then, one night I noticed that she was rubbing her right eye with her paw, as though she had a bad headache. A quick look showed something was terribly amiss; the eye had clouded over. An emergency call to the vet only heightened my anxiety. “Bring her in first thing,” he told me. After a cursory exam the next morning, he delivered the bleak news: “Glaucoma.” The pressure in her eye had already destroyed her optic nerve.
再後來，一天晚上，我發現它老是用爪子去蹭右眼，就好像患了嚴重的頭痛似的。我只掃了一眼就發現它的眼睛很不對勁——那裏面密佈着雲翳。我趕緊給獸醫打電話，他的回答讓我憂慮更甚。“明天一早就請把它帶來，”他如是對我說。第二天早上，獸醫給它做了粗略的檢查後就告訴我一個令人沮喪的消息：“它患上了青光眼”。過高的眼壓已經損壞了它的視神經。
Within the year, the retina in her good eye detached and she went completely blind just as I was moving into a new apartment. It pained me to see her crash into unfamiliar walls and furniture. But Billie remained fearless — and proved resilient — and she soon figured out how to maneuver her way around these new obstacle courses.
同一年，它好眼的視網膜也脫落了。就在我剛搬進新公寓時，她完全失明瞭。我心疼地看着它因爲不熟悉環境而在牆壁和傢俱上磕磕撞撞。但比莉仍然無所畏懼，而且堅韌不拔，它很快就找到了在這些陌生的障礙物之間穿行的方法。
Just before holidays that year I happened to kick an old tennis ball across the living room. Billie took off after it and wandered back to me with it in her mouth. I repeated the experiment and then called the vet, who told me I was suffering from “wishful thinking.” I brought her in for an exam and he put her through her paces in his office – including the ball toss. When he had finished, he came to me, tears in his eyes, saying, “This really is a Christmas miracle.” The retina had spontaneously reattached.
就在那一年放假前，我碰巧把一隻舊網球踢過了起居室。比莉追在它後面，把它叼回給我。我重複實驗了一回，打電話告訴了獸醫，他卻說我只是“一廂情願”罷了。於是我把比莉帶去給他檢查。他讓它在他辦公室裏自由跑動，還玩了拋球遊戲。檢查結束後，他熱淚盈眶地對我說：“這真是一個聖誕奇蹟。”——它的視網膜居然自發復位了。
A year later, I took Billie back to the dog hospital one last time. Days earlier they had found a mass in her belly, and I knew it was time to bid farewell.
一年後，我最後一次帶比莉去了狗醫院。幾天之前，他們在它肚子裏發現了一個腫塊——我知道我們終於到了說再見的時候。
Thirteen years together. During that time, our thrice-daily walking routine helped me come out of my cancer fog. Day-by-day, walk-by-walk, I came to realize I would likely achieve a normal life expectancy. My commitment to this four-legged HAD led to a happy marriage with a two-legged.
十三年的朝夕相伴。在那期間，我們每天的三次例行散步幫我走出了癌症的陰霾。一天一天，一步一步，我逐漸明白我將有機會活到正常壽命。我與這四條腿的小傢伙的不離不棄也曾成就了我與某人的一段幸福婚姻。
After Billie was gone I never thought I would have another dog, much less one I could love so completely. Then, suddenly, it turned out I was single again; I thought I would remain that way for years to come. But five months later, I found myself making the trek to a small house surrounded by a white picket fence with a heart-shaped wreath on the front gate. There, a 5-year-old cocker named Max who needed a new home, overjoyed by my attention but seemingly terrified of his own clipped tail, jumped all over me. Unlike Billie, this big lug of a cocker had no particular lineage and struck me as kind of low-I.Q. It was not love at first sight.
比莉去世後，我沒想過要再養一隻狗，更不用說再付出這麼多的感情。後來，我突然又成了單身；我一度以爲自己的餘生就是這樣了。然而，五個月後，我長途跋涉，去往一座環繞着白色尖樁籬柵，正門還掛着個心型花環的小房子。在那裏，一隻5歲的可卡犬馬克斯(Max)需要一個新家，我的關注讓它喜出望外，但它似乎被自己修剪過的尾巴嚇到了，一躍就撲在我身上。與比莉不同，這隻大可卡犬沒有什麼特別的血統，給我一種智商不高的感覺。這第一次見面並沒讓我喜歡上它。
I told the owner I would think about it and drove away, expecting to forget about Max.
我告訴狗主人我會考慮的，然後就開車走了，一心想把馬克斯忘到爪哇國去。
Within hours came an insistent call from Max’s owner: “If you don’t take him by the morning we’re going to put him down.” Well, when he puts it like that, what can I do? I said out loud to myself. Despite my misgivings I went back to pick him up.
結果還沒過幾小時，馬克斯的主人就打來電話說：“如果你上午不把它接走，我們就把它處死了。”——他都這麼說了，我還能怎麼辦？我大聲對自己說。儘管心存疑慮，但我還是回去把它接回家了。
Max soon confirmed that he wasn’t “gifted.” On a hike, he watched a horse trot by from right to left. Once off the leash, he tore off in pursuit – in the completely wrong direction. City life didn’t prove much easier. Barely a month later I came home to find Max breathing rapidly as though his heart was ready to explode. The one-pound box of dark chocolates, now empty, gave him away. At the E.R., I sat vigil through a touch-and-go night. A mere $2,000 later we came home, and what did Max do? He went directly to the trash bin and to pull out the chocolate box. My little genius.
事實很快就證實馬克斯確實不夠聰明。一次遠足時，它看到一匹馬小跑着從右去向左邊。我剛一鬆開狗鏈，它就追了出去——卻完全弄錯了方向。城市生活對它來說也沒輕鬆多少。僅僅一個月後，我回到家裏，發現馬克斯的心跳快得像要爆炸了一樣。一盒一磅（約合0.45千克）重的黑巧克力現在空空如也，解釋了一切的原因。生死攸關的一夜，我坐在急診室沒有閤眼。花了2000美元后，馬克斯終於痊癒回家，你猜它幹了什麼？他直接跑去垃圾桶裏把巧克力盒子扒拉了出來。真是個小“天才”！
However, I was finding that Max needed me in a way Billie never had. And through our various trials I came to love Max, too – not like Billie; in some ways it felt like a betrayal of Billie. But about this time I remembered an old folk song, with old folk wisdom, called “Magic Penny”:
不過，我漸漸發現，馬克斯非常需要我，而比莉從不會這樣。經過重重“磨難”的考驗，我終於也喜歡上了馬克斯——而且這種喜歡與對比莉不同——有時候，我甚至感覺自己“背叛”了比莉。這時候，我想起了一首充滿了古老民間智慧的民謠，歌的名字叫做：《神奇的硬幣》(“Magic Penny”)：
Love is something if you give it away, give it away, give it away
愛就是付出，付出，再付出
Love is something if you give it away, you end up having ed, in giving my love to Billie, it had opened me up to having more.
愛就是如果你付出，最後就會擁有更多。是的，我對比莉的愛爲我打開了一扇大門，給了我更多的收穫。
Toward the end of Max’s days, I took him to an alternative medicine vet in search of help for a bulging disk, since he was now too old for back surgery. Silently, I watched her place each of the two dozen needles into his head, back and legs. Within moments, my frightened old fella had calmed down and lay quietly on the soft bed in the exam room. I did, too, ostensibly to make sure he didn’t jump up and shake out all the needles. But really, I wanted to hold him, to protect him – indeed, to love him – every moment that I could. I thought to myself with amazement as we lay there in the dark: “I love him completely, and completely differently.”
在馬克斯的暮年，它換上了椎間盤突出。因爲已經太老了，它沒法接受背部手術，於是我把它帶去一家替代的藥物獸醫診所尋求幫助。我默默地看着獸醫在馬克斯的頭部、背部和腿部各紮了二十幾針。這飽受驚嚇的老夥計馬上就鎮靜下來，靜靜地躺在柔軟的檢查牀上。我也跟着躺了下來，表面上是爲了確保它不會跳起來，抖掉身上所有的針，但其實我只是想好好抱抱它，保護它，愛它——每時每刻。和它一起躺在黑暗中的時候，我驚訝地想到：“我居然徹底愛上它了，而且這愛跟愛比莉完全不同。”
And when he died not long after, I thought how lucky I was to have loved twice like that. Different loves, yes. Each one complete in its own way. Time may have its limits, but love apparently doesn’t. Oh, and along the way I found another spouse. Years later we are still together, with photos of Billie and Max in the house – along with a crazy but brilliant Jack Russell terrier. But that’s another story.
不久之後，馬克斯離開了人間。但我想我是幸運的，因爲我曾經那樣地愛過兩隻狗狗，以兩種不同的方式。時間或許有其限度，但顯然，愛是無限的。對了，在此期間我又找到了另一個配偶。多年後，我們依然生活在一起，在我們的房子裏，放着比莉和馬克斯的照片，還有一隻聰明但脾氣古怪的傑克羅素（犬的一種）。但那又是另外一個故事了。
