那些看《五十度灰》的男人們

You will see them across the city tonight, whatever city you happen to be in. They will stand out for their tightly clenched jaws, their sullen silences and general air of shiftiness. These are the men who have been dragged by their partners to see Fifty Shades of Grey at the cinema.

2015年2月14日的晚上，無論你身處哪座城市，都會看到這樣一羣人在城市裏穿行。他們的外部特徵是：牙關緊咬，憤懣不語，表情變幻不定。這就是被伴侶硬拽着去電影院看《五十度灰》(Fifty Shades of Grey)的男人們。

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There they will sit, beacons of submerged testosterone in a largely female world, present mainly because they have calculated that they are, at least, on a promise; this not being the kind of film to which a woman takes her partner if sex is absolutely not on the agenda. True, after gazing lustfully on the fab abs of Jamie Dornan, their own partners’ more fleshy features may seem a step down but are they really going to start looking for an alternative at 11pm on a Clapham Saturday?

他們坐在影院裏，星星點點的男性荷爾蒙隱藏在幾乎全是女人的海洋中。他們之所以願意來，主要是因爲心中至少有個盼頭：如果一個女人絲毫沒有上牀的打算，是不會帶另一半看這種電影的。誠然，女人們在盯着傑米•多南(Jamie Dornan)的完美腹肌流完口水後，再看自己另一半臃腫的身軀，視覺上可能會產生落差。但是，難道她們真打算開始在“克拉珀姆週六”(Clapham Saturday)的夜晚11點尋覓一個備胎嗎？

At some point it might occur to the men that in being made to watch the bondage bonkbuster, they have in effect been tied to their seat and forced to submit to the sexual fantasies of their wives or girlfriends. They may, like Anastasia, have worked out that sex was in the air, but they did not anticipate the “red room” — a darkened chamber where deviant fantasies are played out to the soundtrack of munched popcorn and the slurping of Diet Coke. No doubt Christian Grey would have had them sign a contract in advance promising never to reveal what happened inside the secret chambers of the Vue North Finchley or the Odeon Sheffield. In this case, it won’t be necessary. Few will want to talk about it.

男性們或許會在某一刻突然覺得，強迫他們觀看這部捆綁性愛大片，實際上就是將他們綁在座位上，強迫他們向自己妻子或女友的性幻想對象屈服。他們可能像安娜斯塔西婭(Anastasia)一樣知道性愛即將來臨，但他們沒料到會有“紅房間”(red room)——一間黑暗的房間，在嚼爆米花聲和吸健怡可樂聲中，這裏上演着離奇的性幻想。毫無疑問，克里斯蒂安•格雷(Christian Grey)肯定會讓他們提前籤一份合同，承諾絕不泄露Vue電影院北芬奇利店或Odeon電影院謝菲爾德店的那間“密室”裏發生過什麼。不過對於這些男性來說，完全沒這個必要，因爲沒幾個人想談論它。

Maybe it will cross the minds of the more sensitive men that they are facing karmic revenge, experiencing how women feel most weeks of the year at the cinema as their partners drag them to Basic Instinct,Showgirls, American Pie or 9½ Weeks.

也許有些較爲敏感的男性會意識到，自己正面對因果報應，體驗着一年中大多數時間女性在電影院的感受，她們被伴侶拽着去看了《本能》(Basic Instinct)、《豔舞女郎》(Showgirls)、《美國派》(American Pie)或《愛你九周半》(9½ Weeks)。

The women I know tell me they are not convinced Jamie Dornan is right for the part, feeling he does not quite scale the heights of their vision of the perfect male. Personally, I find this quite encouraging since Dornan and I are not that alike, but it is the kind of remark that could dent the self-esteem of a less confident man. As it happens, Dornan and I do have similarly sculpted six-packs; I just keep mine under a protective layer. Should the Fifty Shades frenzy ever catch on in my own household, I could, I suppose, plan a secret red room of my own. But when the time came to furnish it, I’d end up eschewing all the erotica and opting for a La-Z-Boy recliner, a huge TV and a hotline to Papa John’s pizzeria. It may not be romantic but there’s a lot less chafing.

我的女性朋友告訴我，她們認爲傑米•多南扮演這個角色缺乏說服力，覺得他不太符合她們心中那位完美男主人公的形象。就我個人而言，她們的話讓我倍感欣慰，因爲多南跟我不怎麼像，但對於沒我這麼自信的男士來說，她們的評論會削弱他的自尊。我剛好跟多南一樣有6塊腹肌，只不過我的腹肌藏在保護層下面。要是我自己家裏也上演起《五十度灰》熱，我想我可以設計一間自己的祕密紅房間。不過等我佈置這間密室時，我最後肯定會省掉所有情色道具，而選擇放一把La-Z-Boy休閒躺椅，一臺超大屏幕的電視和一條直通棒約翰(Papa John’s)披薩店的熱線電話。我的紅房間或許不浪漫，但不會讓人感到那麼煩躁。

I dare say there will be plenty of girls’ nights out on offer for those let down by their partners or attracted by a night of whooping and slavering. Yet for all the discomfort felt by men attending the movie, my hunch is that ushering your partner into the clutches of a hen party is the more dangerous position. For unless you are supremely good-looking, damn rich and a demon in bed, there seems little chance of your partner returning from her ladies’ night pondering whether she might just have sold herself short.

我敢說到時候會有大量“姐妹狂歡夜”，提供給那些對伴侶失望，或被一晚上的喘息聲、吞嚥口水聲撩撥起來的女性。儘管這部影片令觀影的男性感到如此不適，但我預感更危險的是它將你的伴侶引入女性派對的魔掌。因爲除非你英俊非凡，富可敵國，牀技一流，否則你的伴侶參加完姐妹狂歡夜後，反思自己是否輕易地放縱自己去參加這種派對的可能性很低。

So it might make more sense for a man to attend. In the first place, he can spend time subtly pointing out the downsides of the film, the lack of screen chemistry and the general soullessness of the ho-hum billionaire lifestyle. Second, he may be able to remind his partner of her good fortune in snagging a boyfriend who, though short of a helicopter, can hold down a relationship without resorting to spanking paddles. And finally, his mere presence inserts him into his partner’s fantasy film night so that, who knows, she may even ascribe some of Grey’s better traits to him.

因此對於男士來說，去看這部電影可能更爲明智。首先，他可以花時間仔細指出這部影片的缺點，男女主角間沒有火花，以及這位乏味的億萬富翁過着多麼空洞無聊的生活。其次，他或許可以提醒他的伴侶她有多麼幸運，能抓住自己這樣的男友，他雖然沒有直升機，可不靠打屁股就能維繫一段感情。最後，只要他去看這部電影，他就擠進了伴侶的性幻想電影之夜，誰知道呢，沒準她甚至會在他的身上找到格雷的部分優點。

So for any man caught in this paradox, I make the following suggestions. Embrace the Fifty Shades; turn it into a Valentine’s weekend extravaganza; dress up; hire a limo; book a fancy restaurant; be the fantasy date.

因此對於每一個陷入這一矛盾的男士，我作出如下建議。擁抱《五十度灰》吧，把它變成一場情人節的週末盛事，精心打扮，租輛豪華轎車，訂一家高級餐廳，來一場夢幻約會。

And when you get home, don’t forget the blindfold. After two hours of gazing at Christian Grey, she may not be ready for reality just yet.

而當你回到家，千萬別忘了給她戴上眼罩。目不轉睛地盯着克里斯蒂安•格雷看了兩個小時後，她或許尚未準備好看到現實。