爲什麼中國父母不說我愛你

One of my parents’ favourite ice-breakers is, “So, have you eaten?” It doesn’t matter what time of day it is or which meal, specifically. Rather than asking each other how we are, we’d end up spending most of the time describing our dinners over the phone.

我父母最常用的破冰語就是“你吃了麼？”並不特定侷限於一天的什麼時間段或者哪一頓飯。不是互相聊聊最近如何，我們只會在電話裏花大把時間談論下吃飯的話題。

Like many Asian families, we’d become incredibly proficient at reading cryptic emotional signs. There may not be big hugs and open praise, but once in a while, mum would put an unexpected fried egg in our noodles or dad would try and make conversation by asking us to pronounce, then spell every street name he’s ever had trouble remembering. Those, as we’d try to explain to our friends, are their ‘affectionate’ sides.

同許多亞洲家庭一樣，我們能精妙的讀懂含蓄的情感表達。也許沒有熱情的擁抱和讚揚，但間或你會在麪條下意外的發現母親特意準備的煎蛋，父親也會嘗試和你聊聊他記不住的街道名稱讓你爲他發音與拼寫一下。當我們和朋友們談及時，這些場景便成爲他們“深情”的表現。

From time to time, my sister and I would wonder whether it’s time we started challenging the awkward PDE (public display of emotion) policy at home. But the sheer difficulty of trying to make our parents break character after years of polite reticence would end up holding us back.

不時的我和我的姐姐（或妹妹）會想，我們是否應該在家挑戰下這個奇怪的關於公開表達感情的規矩。但讓父母改變多年儒雅含蓄的性格難上加難，總是讓我們望而卻步。

A scene from the film 'Eat Drink Man Woman'.

“飲食男女”其中的一幕

Plus, there’s always the possibility that too much affection could backfire. Earlier this year, Global Times reported that young people telling their parents ‘I love you’ over the phone have left many parents ‘bewildered’ and in shock.

此外，太多的情感外放也可能會帶來意料之外的結果。年初環球時報報道，一些年輕人在電話裏對着父母說“我愛你”，導致了許多父母的“不知所措”和異常震驚。

One viral video from Anhui TV station showed what happened after a group of Chinese university students told their parents ‘I love you’ for the first time in their lives. Instead of a montage of hugs and teary faces set to a score of Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’, the declaration of love were mostly met with comments like, “What’s going on?” “Are you drunk?” or as one father put it, “I’m going to a meeting, so cut the crap.”

一個廣爲流傳的安徽電視臺的視頻，記錄了當一羣大學生在電話裏第一次告訴父母“我愛你”後的反應。這段關於愛的表白並未引發類似於凱蒂-佩裏的‘怒吼’樂譜裏那些蒙太奇的擁抱或者流淚的表情，表白的大學生們得到的大部分回覆是“發生了什麼事？”“喝醉了吧？”，甚至有一位父親在說完“我馬上要開會了，廢話少說”後就直接掛掉了。

Peking University sociologist Xia Xueluan explained that the parents' responses reveal Chinese parents “are not good at expressing positive emotions” and “are used to educating children with negative language”. Meanwhile, writers at Business Insiders were quick to attribute the fear of the L word to “Confucian teaching, or the remnants of 20th Century Communism. “

北京大學社會學系教授夏學鑾解釋道，視頻中這些父母的迴應表明了中國的父母“並不擅長積極的情感表達”，他們“習慣於用消極的語言來教導孩子”。Business Insiders的作者很快將對愛字的拘於表達歸結於“儒學，或者是20世紀共產主義殘留（的影響）”。

From a sociological perspective, studies have also found that the phrase ‘I love you’ tends to be used less in a high context culture where “expectations are high and well documented”. While in the West (low context society), relationships are often managed with ‘I love you reminders’ to reassure someone of their importance, in high context culture, “intensely personal and intimate declarations can seem out of place and overly forceful.”

從社會學角度分析，研究發現“我愛你”這種表述在高語境文化中運用得更少，因爲“這些期望將會被更高更好的記錄”。在西方（低語境社會）人際交往間的維護，往往會通過‘我愛你提醒’來向別人表達他們的重要性，對比於此，高語境文化中“頻繁的個人及親密表白會顯得不合時宜與過於強硬”。

But surely those theories alone can’t account for why so many Chinese parents – my own included – don’t find the phrase to be an adequate expression of familial love? An alternative (and more practical) reason could be the formal nature of ‘I love you’ in the Chinese language. For one thing, in English, we can bookend a conversation with a casual ‘love ya’. But the Chinese phrase ‘Wo ai ni’ is more of a blunt and powerful signifier of commitment, rather than affection.

但僅僅這些理論並不能解釋爲什麼大部分中國父母（包括我的父親母親）認爲這並不是一個恰當的親情表達語句？另一種（更加適用的）解釋則爲“我愛你”在中文語境中非常正式。一個小例子，在英文中我們可以用一個輕鬆的“愛你~”來開始一段對話，但在中文語句中“我愛你（拼音）”更像是一個坦率有力的承諾的表達，而非僅僅是感情（的表達）。

In this sense, the nuance of parental love is often better expressed through action. In a markedly more uplifting video titled ‘Asian Parents and the Awkward ‘I Love You’”, interviewees reveal the various ways their parents attempt to show their love: from the way a father tirelessly provides to the fact that one parent gives her the “good cuts of meat when they go out and eat”.

基於上述意義，父母的愛的精妙之處能通過行動更好的表達。在一個更加笑料十足的視頻“亞洲父母與彆扭的‘我愛你’”中，受訪者講述了很多他們父母試圖表達關愛的方式：其中一位父親樂此不疲的堅持通過 “在外出就餐時父母中的一方要爲她準備健康的肉食”這樣的方式表現他的愛。

In all their awkwardness, Chinese parents have a knack of showing their affection with irony. They will scream at you for spending too much money on them. And will fight to their deaths in the middle of a restaurant for the right to get the bill.

在所有的這些彆扭中，中國父母非常擅長用一種諷刺的意味來表達愛。他們會責備你在他們身上花了太多錢。會在餐廳中間跟拼了老命似的同你爭奪賬單的付款權。

As blogger Cindy writes, “Chinese families know how to love fiercely. They do it through immense generosity, unwavering loyalty, and a lot of food. We love differently, not better, not worse, but definitely different.”

正如博主辛迪寫道，“中國家庭知道如何熱情的去愛，他們的愛是無私的慷慨、堅定的忠誠與大桌的食物。我們賦予愛不同的表達方式，非關更好，亦不會更壞，只是與別不同。”