與同事發生衝突怎麼辦 Solving clashes and conflicts at work
The conflict began as soon as Jeff’s new colleague joined his team. A year later the bad blood between them was to cost Jeff, who held a senior position at a New York investment company, his job.
從新同事加入傑夫(Jeff)團隊的那一刻起，兩人之間就產生了衝突。傑夫在紐約一家投資公司擔任高級職務。一年後，兩人之間的不和將導致傑夫丟掉他的工作。
What started as a personality clash quickly escalated when the newcomer rejected Jeff’s input into their joint work. This triggered an irrational response in Jeff, leaving him highly critical of himself and unable to focus on his work.
兩人間的衝突從最初的性格不合迅速升級，因新同事拒絕將傑夫提出的意見納入他們共同承擔的工作當中。這引發了傑夫的不理智反應，並在失態之後對自己高度自責，無法將注意力集中在工作上。
He describes his initial impressions of the colleague: “He was very confrontational from the word go, telling me I didn’t know what I’m talking about. Then publicly, among the senior management of the business, he said he didn’t want me involved in the things he clearly needed my assistance on.
傑夫是這麼描述他對新同事的初始印象的：“他從一開始就表現出了很強的對抗性，聲稱我不知道自己在說些什麼。隨後他在公司的高級管理層中公開宣稱，他不希望我參與一些事項，而在這些事情上他明顯需要我的協助。”
“I was definitely not going along with him. He would say anything to sell something, which I don’t like or respect,” says Jeff.
傑夫稱：“我和他確實很合不來。他爲了推銷某個東西什麼話都願意說，對此我既不喜歡也不欣賞。”
He added that the man then engineered enough influence to steer the management committee against him, and eventually to have him removed from the company.
傑夫補充稱，這位同事隨後調動了足夠的影響力來推動管理委員會反對自己，並最終將他從公司排擠出去。
Personal conflicts are an inevitable part of working life. But when left unmanaged they can harm individuals and severely damage the team or organisation. Well-known feuds include those between Indian brothers Mukesh and Anil Ambani of Reliance Industries, the Koch brothers of the US’s Koch Industries, and ex-England cricket coach Peter Moores and batsman Kevin Pietersen.
人際衝突是職場生活不可避免的一部分。但如果放任不管，人際衝突可能傷害個人發展，並對團隊或者組織造成嚴重損害。廣爲人知的不和對頭包括印度信實工業(Reliance Industries)的穆克什•安巴尼(Mukesh Ambani)和安尼爾•安巴尼(Anil Ambani)兩兄弟，美國科氏工業集團(Koch Industries)的科奇(Koch)兄弟，以及前英格蘭板球隊教練彼得•穆爾斯(Peter Moores)和擊球手凱文•彼得森(Kevin Pietersen)。
A common response is to regard the other party as being wrong, difficult or even mad. This view is likely to exacerbate tensions.
對人際衝突的一種常見反應是，認爲衝突的另一方做錯了、有意刁難甚至是發瘋。這種看法很容易導致緊張關係進一步惡化。
But the route to resolution is to understand why the relationship is fraught and one’s own role in this.
達成和解的方法是，認清雙方關係爲何如此不快，以及自己在其中所扮演的角色。
After analysing his experience, Jeff recognised the part he played in his own downfall. A tendency to anticipate catastrophic outcomes stemmed, he realised, from childhood bullying, both by his father and at school. By confusing his colleague with people who had hurt him in the past, he perceived more danger than actually existed, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
在分析了自身經歷之後，傑夫認識到了他在自己的失敗中所扮演的角色。他意識到，自己這種預設災難性後果的傾向，來源於童年被父親以及同學欺凌的經歷。因把同事和過去傷害過自己的人混淆在一起，他感受到了比現實更嚴重的危險，並由此產生一種預期，而後者自我實現了。
“Was I bullied in the workplace? No. Did I feel like I was being bullied in the workplace? Yes. That feeling was very similar to the feelings I had when I was being bullied [when young].”
“我在工作中受到欺凌了嗎？其實並沒有。我感覺我在工作中受欺凌了嗎？是的。那種感受和我小時候被人欺負時的感覺非常近似。”
Not showing his colleague respect and focusing on the man’s faults — rather than how he allowed the conflict to grow in his own mind — made any resolution unlikely.
沒有對同事表示出尊重，以及將注意力集中在對方的缺點上——而不是認清自己是如何放任衝突在頭腦中發酵升級的——使傑夫很難取得任何和解。
Understanding conflict as a circular dynamic — to which both parties contribute — removes the sting of blame and the urge to self-justify, defend and hit back. But can these cycles be reversed?
明白衝突是一個循環動態過程——衝突雙方對此都有責任——可以消除受到指責時感到的傷害，以及證明自身正確、防守和回擊的急切衝動。但這些循環能被逆轉嗎？
Diana McLain Smith, an organisational consultant who writes about working relationships, believes they can.
組織顧問戴安娜•麥克萊恩•史密斯(Diana McLain Smith)認爲，逆轉循環是可能的。她寫作有關工作關係的文章。
Ms McLain Smith encourages executives in client organisations to stop focusing on the disputed issue and what the other person is doing wrong, and to recognise how each is contributing to a pattern that neither likes. Her first step is to bring the combatants together to discuss their dispute — a conversation which she records and then plays back to them.
麥克萊恩•史密斯女士鼓勵客戶機構的管理者們停止關注產生爭執的問題，以及爭執另一方做得不對的地方，同時認識到雙方是如何推動形成一個大家都不喜歡的模式的。她提出的第一個步驟是將不和的雙方拉到一起討論他們爭執的問題——她會把這次談話錄音，並回放給雙方聽。
She explains that when conflicts have been either repressed or handled explosively in our early family life, we tend to repeat these strategies in adulthood. “People [may] assume that conflict is dangerous so they avoid it. Or they believe conflict is a zero-sum game and they go into it with guns blazing.”
她解釋稱，如果在我們的早期家庭生活中，衝突要麼被壓抑下去要麼集中爆發，我們會傾向於在成年以後重複這種衝突處理方式。“人們可能認爲衝突是危險的，因此會盡量避免衝突。人們也可能將衝突看成一種零和遊戲，因而用火藥味十足的方式應對。”
They may wrongly misinterpret the other person’s motive, assume he or she is pursuing power or even trying to get their job. Gross generalisations are often made, accusing the other of causing the problem, or caricaturing them in ways that dismiss their contribution and distort their character.
人們可能會錯誤曲解另一個人的動機，認爲他或她在爭奪權力，甚至試圖搶走自己的工作。他們常常還會過分簡化地亂下結論，指責另一方是導致問題的原因，或者用無視另一方貢獻、歪曲對方品格的方式對其冷嘲熱諷。
To tackle these problems Ms McLain Smith persuades them to engage in conversations about their family and personal life experiences.
爲解決這些問題，麥克萊恩•史密斯女士說服他們進行有關自己家庭和個人生活經歷的談話交流。
“Then people can be moved by them — they can see where the behaviour comes from and they are motivated more to help.”
“這時人們可能會被對方感動——他們能看到對方的行爲模式從何而來，並且也更有動力伸出援手。”
Opponents, she adds, can then become a team again, “if they help each other see things that they themselves missed, then they can become more effective”.
她補充稱，針鋒相對的雙方可能再次結成一個團隊，“如果他們幫助對方看到了他們自己沒有看到的東西，那麼他們就能變得更有效率。”
Frank, who came to me for psychotherapy, complained that his brother treated him more like an employee than a partner in their import company. This pattern resulted in a long, simmering conflict. Of the two, Frank said he was more passive yet personable with staff and clients, while his brother was more the driving force of the business.
弗蘭克(Frank)在我這裏接受精神治療。他對我抱怨稱，在他和他兄弟的進口公司裏，兄弟對待他的方式更像是對一名員工，而不是合作伙伴。這種模式導致了兩人之間長期持續並且愈演愈烈的衝突。弗蘭克表示，在兩人當中，他是更加被動但對員工和客戶更有人情味的那一個，而他的兄弟則是整個企業的主要推動力。
In therapy he came to recognise that by withholding the warmth and praise that he knew his brother craved, he was making the situation worse. As a child he learnt that being quiet protected him from his father’s rages, but the same approach with his brother only fuelled their conflict.
在接受治療的過程中，他逐漸意識到，自己知道兄弟渴求親情溫暖和認可讚揚卻拒絕給予的做法，正在導致情況進一步惡化。當他還是一個孩子時，他學會了保持安靜以保護自己免受父親的怒火波及，但對自己的兄弟採取同樣策略卻加劇了他們的矛盾。
Frank explains: “I’m aware [now] that my passivity is a form of aggression in an underhand way. So when my brother would get more frustrated or angry I would retreat more — which obviously would set off a cycle with him.
弗蘭克解釋稱：“現在我已經意識到，我的消極被動是一種隱形的攻擊。所以當我的兄弟變得更加沮喪或者憤怒時，我會向後退縮得更多——這無疑將在他那邊引發新一輪不滿。”
“I would find it difficult to look him in the eye, it was very much business only. He must have interpreted that as my not caring about him or the business.”
“我發現自己很難直視他的眼睛，我與他的交流基本僅限於工作需要。他肯定會將此解讀成我對他或者我們的事業漠不關心。”
Eventually Frank was able to explain how he felt to his brother, which improved their relationship.
最終弗蘭克成功地向他的兄弟解釋了自己的感受，此舉大大改善了他們的關係。
Such insights are beyond some people and in these cases it is more realistic to aim for damage limitation.
這樣的自我認識反省對於某些人來說難以做到，而在這種情況下，以控制損失爲目標更加現實。
Bill Eddy is a therapist, mediator and lawyer who established the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He employs the term “high conflict people” to describe those who are incapable of personal insight and are often personality disordered, or have extreme narcissistic, paranoid or histrionic traits.
比爾•埃迪(Bill Eddy)是一名治療專家、調解人和律師。他在加利福尼亞州的聖迭戈(San Diego)創立了重度衝突研究院(High Conflict Institute)。他用“重度衝突型人”(high conflict people)來形容那些無法正確認識自己並常常表現出人格紊亂，或者具有極度自戀、偏執、過分戲劇化等特點的個體。
Such people can be identified by their extreme behaviour when losing control of their emotions. “They do things that normal people would never do even under pressure,” he says, such as spreading rumours, breaking objects or lying. They blame and attack others to feel better about themselves, disrupt office life and demand an inordinate amount of management time.
這類人可以通過他們在情緒失控時的極端行爲被識別出來。埃迪稱：“這些人所做的事情正常人即使在遭受壓力的情況下也絕不會做”，例如散播謠言、破壞物品或者說謊等。他們會指責和攻擊他人，以使自己感覺更好，還會擾亂辦公室生活以及過多佔用管理層的時間。
Businesses may choose to retain these individuals because they have specialist skills, but this does have a price. One manager of a retail company told me of his exasperation in trying to limit the damage caused by a talented employee.
企業或許會選擇保留這類人，因爲他們具備專長技能，但這種做法是有代價的。一家零售公司的經理對我說起，他因試圖控制一名有才華的員工所造成的損失而感到頗爲惱火。
“She is very good at her job, and will tell you that quite forcefully,” he says. “But she falls out spectacularly with people she thinks are not good enough.
這位經理說：“這名員工非常擅長她的工作，而且會頗爲強硬地讓你知道這一點。但她與那些被她認爲不夠優秀的人相處得極不融洽。”
“With her there’s no going back. Any criticism sets up a spiral which means you get worse performance quite dramatically — tears and things like that. And then you spend weeks getting back up to speed.”
“對她來說事情沒有迴轉的空間。對她的任何批評都會激起螺旋式的升級反應，這意味着你會頗爲戲劇化地看到更加糟糕的表現——例如哭鬧以及諸如此類的事情。之後你需要花費好幾周的時間才能讓她恢復進度。”
He explains how he prevents further explosions. “Quite a lot of flattery works, and trying to make lots of time for her.”
他解釋了他是如何防止引發更多的情緒爆發的。“給她足夠多的表揚和稱讚，並且努力爲她留出大量的時間。”
Most conflicts do not involve such extreme personalities, however, so it is best not to assume that anyone who disagrees with you is in the “high conflict” category. Instead, remember you are dealing with a relationship, not just a colleague, and that the road to resolution requires self-awareness and empathy.
但絕大多數衝突都與此類極端型人格無關，因此最好不要假設任何與你意見不合的人都屬於“重度衝突”的類型。正相反，要牢記你面對的是一項人際關係，而不僅僅是一個同事，獲得和解之路需要有自我認識和對他人的體諒之心。
