雙語故事:英語如此搞笑,譯如此殘暴
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車。 後來我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個路數。 於是老子偷了一輛然後求上帝寬恕。
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢中死去，而不要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you.down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永遠不能戰勝一個純SB，因爲他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水平，然後用豐富的經驗打敗你。
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有些人就像 Slinkies(彈簧玩具)，沒什麼實在用處，但看他們在樓梯上倒騰來倒騰去還是很有喜感。
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我們永遠不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學會在衆人面前裝逼。
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以爲我想要的是職業，結果發現我只是想要工資。
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你爲什麼好不了。
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
直譯：知識就是說你知道西紅柿是一種水果;智慧就好似不要把它放進水果沙拉里。
意譯a：知識就是告訴你說應該把雞蛋放進籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進一個籃子。
意譯b：所謂知識就是知道韓少和小四都屬於80後，但智慧告訴你最終還是男女有別。
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
上帝瞅着咱們呢，大夥好歹喜感點吧!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
無論，在任何情況下，永遠，不要在一個夜晚，同時吃，安眠藥，和通便靈。
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
老子拼死拼活奮鬥到食物鏈頂端，不是爲了成爲一個素食者。
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
海豚可聰明瞭你知道不?只要馴養幾個星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們扔魚吃了。
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫們走路和說話。然後你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
你有什麼不開心的?說出來給大家開心開心。
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
意譯：竊鉤者誅，竊國者爲諸侯。
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
當我填表的時候，有一項是“緊急情況聯繫：” 我填上了“醫生”，到時候我媽能幫上什麼忙?!
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍兒愛SB，不然他造這麼多!
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
直譯：小孩子要中間名，純粹是爲了讓他知道他啥時候真的有麻煩了。
直譯a：起個全名就爲了揍孩子前可以底氣十足地喊出來。
意譯b：賈君鵬這名字就爲了讓他媽喊他回家吃飯!
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
跳樓的時候，“啊——”的時候還沒死， “啪!”那纔是死了。
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
人工智能從來敵不過天然癡呆。
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
好客就是：讓客人覺得他們像在他們家一樣，儘管你真的希望他們滾回他們家。
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
信春哥 ，得永生
Just the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
直譯：記着吧……世界要不噁心，我們早被吐掉了。
意譯：別抱怨了，這個世界要是真和諧了，我們這種人就不應該存在.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
我曾是個懷疑論者，現在我很懷疑這一點。
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
直譯：如果你始終腳踏實地，那就別想穿褲子了。
意譯：人太老實沒法活。
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
過了河也別拆橋，沒準你還要回來呢。
