急診醫生見過哪些辣眼睛的事？憋住別笑！

ER Doctors Rereal the Craziest Things They've Seen at Work
急診醫生見過的那些辣眼睛的事

Think you've had a stressful day at your job? Try helping a screaming patient with a foreign object stuck up his rectum, terrified that it will never be retrieved.
你管你今天的工作叫“有壓力”？那你來試試對付這個尖叫的病人吧，而且他直腸裏還卡了個奇怪的東西，再而且他還嚇得要死以爲這東西永遠拿不出來了。

This is just a taste (gross) of what it's like being an emergency room doctor, the medical professionals whose job it is to stay calm and keep a straight face, even in the most dangerous or bizarre circumstances.
這只是簡單呈現了一個急診室醫生平時的工作狀態，醫療專業人員的工作就是即使遇到了危險和離奇的情況，也要保持冷靜，而且得憋住不要笑出聲。

To give you a better idea of just how bizarre those circumstances can be, ER doctors revealed the wildest situations they've encountered on the job. Spoiler alert: People love putting stuff up their own butts.
爲了讓你更好地瞭解這些情況到底有多麼奇怪，幾位急診醫生告訴了我們他們在工作中遇到的那些最狂放的事。劇透警告：人們喜歡把東西放在自己的屁股裏。

1. Well, that's one use for a candle...
嗯，這也是蠟燭的一種用法…

"As an ER doctor, we see a lot all the time. There's not a single shift I work where I am not asking myself, 'How in the world did they do that?' This day was no different when a male patient walked in with his wife and said, 'It's stuck! It's stuck!' The nurse and I asked him, 'What's stuck, sir?' He replied, 'I put a candle in my butthole and can't get it out!' All sorts of things were running through our minds, and we were hoping the candle was a votive kind, not the ones still with glass containers.
“作爲一個急診科醫生，每天活久見的事情太多了。工作時我沒有一次輪班的時候不問自己，‘他們到底是怎麼做到的？於是，當一個男病人在他妻子額陪同下走進來，還不停說“卡住了！卡住了！”的時候，我也會這麼問自己。當時護士和我問他，“先生，什麼卡住了？”他回答道，“我在屁眼裏插了一根蠟燭，現在拿不出來了！” 聽完這個回答，我們的大腦頓時混亂了，我們只希望那根蠟燭是根普通蠟燭，而不是那種還帶着玻璃燭臺的。”

"But we knew the first thing we had to do was take a look at his bottom and get an X-ray, because most X-rays will reveal foreign bodies. There was nothing I could see by just examining his buttocks. But sure enough, the X-ray showed that it was a round candle that was still in the glass container! It was one of those standard 3-4in round candles in containers that most convenience stores sell. The patient had stuck it far up and had no way to retrieve it! He felt stupid. He felt embarrassed. Ultimately, he had to go to surgery immediately so the surgeon could carefully dilate his rectum and get the candle out.
“但我們知道第一件要做的事是拍一張X光片來看看他的屁股，因爲做X光通常能夠查出裏面奇怪的東西。光是檢查他的菊花並不能看到什麼，但能夠確定的是，X光片顯示出來是個圓形的蠟燭，而且真的有個玻璃燭臺！這是標準的3-4英寸圓形蠟燭，放在容器裏，大部分便利店都有售。病人已經塞了很大一截進去，而且完全沒有辦法取出它。他覺得自己很蠢，而且很尷尬。最後，他不得不立即去做手術，這樣外科醫生才得以小心地擴張他的直腸然後取出蠟燭。”

"It was painful for the patient. I had to ask him before discharge, 'Did you light the candle before sticking it up your butt or no?' He just laughed to try and console himself through the pain. Moral of the story: Don't put anything into your body out of your reach that you can't retrieve back easily." -- Anonymous board-certified ER physician
“這對病人來說很痛苦。我不得不在出院前問他，‘你在把蠟燭放進你屁股前有沒有點燃過蠟燭？’他只是笑了笑，試圖緩解自己的痛苦。這個故事告訴我們一個道理：不要把任何你取不出的東西放進你體內。”---來自一位委員會認證的匿名急診科醫生的敘述

2. Fishing for flesh
一鉤一個準的魚鉤

"Thankfully, a patient had a sense of humor when things go wrong while fishing. His fish hook didn't grab any fish in Lake Michigan this day, but instead decided to grab a big piece of his scalp! He came into the ER with a big fish hook lodged in the right side of his head. As an ER doctor, the first thing I think of is how the scalp can bleed very easily and profusely and thankfully, the hook was controlling the bleeding where it was stuck.
“要慶幸的是，這個病人在釣魚出現問題的時候還能保持幽默感。在釣魚這天，他的魚鉤沒有釣到密歇根湖的任何魚，而是勾住了他的一大塊頭皮！他來急診室的時候，一個大魚鉤勾在他的右邊頭皮上。作爲一個急診室醫生，我想的第一件事是如何控制頭皮的大出血，令人高興的是，魚鉤正好控制住了出血點。”

"But once I removed it, I needed to prepare for the amount of blood that would be released. The difficulty with fish hooks is their rigged shape. They have a circular curve with a barb and gap, which causes them to do real damage on what should be fish (not humans). Fishers rip them off after they capture fish, but there was no way I could just rip it off his scalp.
“但我一旦移動了它，就需要準備和流出的血一樣多的血量。魚鉤最麻煩的地方是他們的形狀，他們有一個圓形曲線，有倒鉤和間隙，這導致它們能對魚造成很大的傷害（好吧，通常是魚）。漁民在捕獲魚之後會直接把它們摘下來，但是我沒有辦法把它從頭皮上直接拿下來。”

"Coaching the patient through the process so he could relax, I numbed the area and had to create a bit of a wide incision around the entry of the fish hook, and rotate and wiggle it out. Because I used a little epinephrine, I was able to minimize the amount of bleeding after removal. I then repaired the wound with sutures. When there is a foreign body stuck anywhere on your body, it's important to leave it stuck until you seek medical attention. Removing it without assistance could cause further damage." -- Anonymous board-certified ER physician
“我在手術過程中指導病人放鬆放鬆，並且麻醉了受傷的區域，然後魚鉤的嵌入口周圍切開一個寬寬的切口，通過旋轉和擺動把它取了出來。因爲我使用了一點腎上腺素，所以才能夠在取出魚鉤後，最大限度地減少出血量，然後用縫線修復傷口。當有任何異物卡在身上時，記住一定要在尋求醫療幫助前保持它的原狀態。在沒有醫生的幫助下隨意拿下它會導致嚴重的後果。” --- 來自一位委員會認證的匿名急診科醫生的敘述

3. Never trust a plastic surgeon from a hardware store
不要相信來自五金店的整形醫生

"In 2009, there was a patient presented to the emergency room in Rhode Island. She had had some form of 'HydroGel' (she called it that) injected in large volume, approximately 2 liters (which is a very large quantity), one into each buttock. I believe by 'HydroGel,' she meant some sort of silicone-based product like silicone bathroom caulk. The patient said that she was injected by someone in Miami who claimed to be a nurse, and who performed the procedure in their home.
“2009年，有一個病人被送到羅得島的急診室，她往她的臀部注射了大量的 “水凝膠”（她是這麼稱呼它的），而且將近有2升（這是一個非常大的量）。我相信“水凝膠”在她想表達的意思中是某種硅酮基產品，如硅膠浴室填縫劑。該病人說，一個在邁阿密聲稱自己是一名護士的人給她注射的，並在他們的家裏完成了這一注射過程。”
"When she came to the ER, she had a high fever and was draining pus on both buttocks, which were red. We took her to the operating room, and because the external substance was so integrated into the tissue within and around the fat cells, we had to make multiple large incisions on both buttocks' fat. Afterwards, her buttocks looked like she had been attacked by a bear. The only way to get rid of the infection was to fully remove the external substance.
“當她來到急診室時，她發着高燒，兩瓣屁股都發紅了，而且還在流膿。我們帶她到手術室，然後因爲這些外來物質已經和她的組織還有脂肪細胞結合得很緊密了，我們不得不在兩瓣屁股的肥肉上都切了很多大口子。之後，她的臀部看起來像被熊襲擊過一樣。讓她擺脫感染的唯一方式只有完全清除這些外來物質。”

"She was on IV antibiotics for nearly a week with daily dressing changes in the hospital before leaving against medical advice and disappearing. She ultimately went on Tyra Banks' talk show."
“之後，她接受了近一個星期的IV抗生素治療。每天在醫院換藥，直到可以離開藥物治療並且感染症狀消失。後來她去參加了泰拉銀行的脫口秀。”

4. The not-so-great escape
一次不怎麼成功的逃脫

"A daring young man who was high on meth decided to plan his great escape from the ER. He was able to climb into the drop ceiling, and was making his way out of the room... until he fell through the ceiling. He landed on the floor at the foot of the stretcher and ended up breaking his arm."
“有一個嗑藥嗑high了的勇敢年輕人，他計劃從急診室逃跑。他成功地爬進了天花板的吊頂，然後開始逃離這個房間...直到他從天花板上摔了下來。他摔落在地板上，倒在擔架的擡手上，最後摔壞了他的胳膊。”

5. That's not how plungers work
活塞不是這麼用的

"A young man was experiencing constipation and decided he needed a plunger. He grabbed for the toilet bowl brush and used the handle to insert into his rectum. The plastic hand had a curved hook on it, which got snagged on his anus. He was unable to remove it without horrific pain. EMS was called, and he was transported to the ER. With the help of his new wife comforting him on one side of the stretcher and moderate sedation, the doctor worked from the other end to dis-impact the toilet brush from his rectum."
“有一個年輕人便祕了，他覺得自己需要一個活塞。於是他抓起了馬桶疏通器（就是頭上有個大塑膠吸盤的那東西），然後把手柄插入了菊花。但塑料手柄上有一個彎曲的鉤狀物，結果它卡在了肛門裏。但他沒有辦法在不造成劇烈疼痛的前提下把它拔出來。於是他打電話叫了120，然後被緊急送往了急診室。他的妻子在擔架一旁不斷安慰他，同時我們也給他注射了適量的鎮定劑，因此醫生才得以從另一端將疏通器從他的直腸裏取出來。”

6. One vodka rectum, please
請給我來一個能裝下伏特加酒瓶的直腸

"I had a patient once who had a 1-liter bottle of vodka inserted into his rectum while he was under the influence. We had to put him on laxatives and use a type of enema to try to lubricate the area and avoid pain. He was in so much pain when he arrived, he was unable to walk. We thought surgery might be required, but he was able to pass the bottle through on his own." -- Aditi G Jha, MD, head of the doctor's panel at JustDoc
“我有一個病人曾經在喝醉的時候把一個1升的伏特加酒瓶插入了菊花。我們不得不讓他吃瀉藥，並用一種灌腸劑來潤滑那一塊以減輕疼痛。當他到達醫院時，已經疼痛到走不了路了。我們當時以爲他需要做手術，但他最終卻自己使這個瓶子出來了。”