中國父母不懂放手的藝術

The way some Chinese parents shower love on their grown-up children can be smothering, but from an outsider's perspective it may look like a black comedy eliciting laughs and tears in equal measure. When you spot a Mickey Mouse actor at a public recreation area, who do you think is inside the costume? A child, perhaps? No, it's an adult because the figure is much taller and moves about with energy. Never in my wildest imagination would I say an elderly woman.

But Yang Zhiqiao is 75 and retired. She dons the Mickey Mouse costume in Luoyang, Henan province, to earn some pocket money from passersby, which she saves for her son. "My son is 40 and is still single. I don't want to be a burden to him. I want to help him financially so he can get a wife," the Henan native says.

According to an unrelated news story, parents in a Beijing suburb are getting up at 5 am each day and standing in line for the shuttle buses. The early birds have developed this habit not for themselves, but for their grownup children, who work in downtown Beijing. The youngsters have to spend four or five hours each day commuting and their parents chip in by waiting in line for them so they can squeeze in an extra half-hour's sleep.

These two examples are among the more exotic things Chinese parents do for their children, but they are a perfect reminder of the generational ties that bind a Chinese family. The parental sacrifice is traditionally embodied in a type of melodrama in which the mother, in a desperate attempt to find money for food or school tuition for her children, starts to prostitute herself. This secret is inadvertently discovered by one of the children, who feels ashamed and blames the mother. In the end, the truth dawns on him and a feeling of gratitude gushes out of his heart.

There are countless versions of this tale in Chinese cinema or other popular art forms from the past century.

Is it an equivalent of a mother in the United States who forsakes her career and turns into a soccer mom? Or is it sacrilegious to make this cultural comparison? Parents everywhere love their children, but the manifestation of that love can vary from culture to culture. What is considered acceptable in one country might be perceived as outrageous mollycoddling in another.

When I first went to the United States, I was flabbergasted to find that parents would charge their college-age children for the phone calls they make while at home on holiday. I guess that situation no longer exists as now each one is equipped with a mobile phone and youngsters do not need to "borrow" their parents' handset. But no matter whose phone you use, you are supposed to pay your own bills, as is demonstrated in the HBO TV series Girls, in which Lena Durham's character, a recent college graduate, is kicked off the cellphone family plan by her parents. Chinese parents' overindulgence of their children goes beyond the "little emperor" phenomenon, but it is exacerbated by it. Parents harbor a desire to pass on what they have to their children, be it wealth or social status. It's somewhat like an aristocrat passing a title to the younger generation. And some will resort to corruption to ensure that their children enjoy the ill-gotten fruits of their parents' positioning or work. This may be illegal but in many minds it is not unethical, at least not as unethical as squandering money on trophy wives or concubines.

There is no one right form of parents-children dynamics. What's over-protection in one culture may be the norm in another. And these things evolve with time as well. While US parents are obliged to raise their children to the age of 18 and see them through college, their Chinese equivalents take it upon themselves to take care of further needs, which include buying an apartment, finding a spouse and taking care of the grandchildren. That's why the 75-year-old Henan woman took on the ad-hoc job of a street performer, a notion possibly alien to her for most of her life. She did this so she could afford a daughter-in-law. She must have thought it was her responsibility to ensure her son was financially capable of getting married.

What if there is no financial issue involved and her son simply does not want to walk down the aisle with anyone? Any Chinese beyond the age of 25 who is not married or does not have a regular date may face the experience of constant nagging from their parents.

In the old days, you were not supposed to have a date while in college because that would interfere with your study. But once out of college you were supposed to find the right person and start a family, possibly within a year or two.

For whatever reasons young people in China are pushing back the age of marriage either out of choice or out of necessity. Some want to experiment with more possibilities, while others are simply intimidated by the urban dating scene or are holding out for the right person to appear. The pressure these people's parents apply can be suffocating. And in turn, their parents have to field nonstop hectoring from their friends and neighbors: "Is your son or daughter married yet? When is he or she getting married?"

The same pestering is repeated from the time one is married to when an heir is born. "Does your son or daughter have a child yet? Isn't he or she beyond the best age to give birth?" To be a grandparent is a big deal in China. It is considered the ultimate familial bliss to live under one roof with three or four generations, even if only during the New Year holidays.

The escalation of generational conflict reaches a crescendo when a grandchild is produced and the traditional way of child-rearing clashes with the new way. Yes, you can expect parents to be unpaid baby sitters, but the implicit cost is that you give up your method of bringing up a baby or the part of it that does not conform to your old folks' beliefs. Of course, every family is different and not every parent is domineering to the point of turning love into torment. Some move to Hainan, China's equivalent of Florida in the US, or go on extended tours around the country or the world. But, so far, they are still a minority.

And one should not place all the blame on the old generation. Many youngsters actually expect or even welcome such treatment from their parents. They develop a sense of entitlement when their parents pay for their big-ticket purchases and go on scouting expeditions for potential in-laws.

Do you think standing in line in the wee hours for their children's commute is ridiculous? Wait until you hear of old folks who get into matchmaking games in public parks not for themselves, mind you, but for their children. I wonder what will come next.

In the old days, parents would even hide outside the bridal chamber and listen to what was going on between the newlyweds. As soon as they got a chance, they would sneak in and check the bed to see if there was any blood. They had to make sure the bride was a virgin.

Maybe it's a bit too cruel to mock such behavior. It's more cultural than moral. If you step back and look at the whole picture, all the things described above were done because parents cared for their children. There is the art of letting go that is largely elusive to the old generation. If you tie your children too close to you, they are not going to fly very high.在中國，即使孩子已成年，父母對他們的愛仍然能讓孩子們透不過氣。不過以局外人的觀點來看，這看起來像個令人哭笑不得的黑色幽默。

當你在公共遊樂場所看到打扮成米老鼠造型的卡通人物時，你猜什麼人會穿這種卡通形象的服裝呢？或許是小孩？不是，事實上是大人穿的，因爲這種卡通形象通常較高，而且走起來也費力。但我怎麼也不會想到穿這種卡通服裝的是個上了年紀的老婦。

但是，75歲的退休老婦楊志巧，爲了從路人那裏賺些零用錢，在河南省洛陽市扮演米老鼠卡通人物。這些零用錢是爲她兒子而攢的。這個河南本地人說：“我兒子已經40了，還是單身。我不希望自己成爲他的負擔，想要在經濟上幫助他，這樣他就可以討到老婆。”

另據一條新聞報道，在北京郊區，許多父母早上5點就起牀排隊等公交。這般早起卻不是爲了自己，而是爲了他們在北京市中心上班的子女。這些年輕人每天要花四五個小時坐車往返，他們的父母幫他們排隊，這樣他們就可以多睡半個小時。

以上舉的兩個中國父母疼愛子女的例子，算是比較獨特，但卻完美地反映了中國家庭父母和子女之間的關係。父母會爲子女做出犧牲，就像傳統情節劇演的那樣，絕望的母親爲了孩子的溫飽和學費而去出賣肉體。這個祕密無意中被她的孩子發現，孩子覺得他母親很可恥而且責罵她。最後，當孩子發現母親這樣做完全是爲了自己時，他的內心充滿了感激。

在上個世紀，中國的電影院或其他流行的藝術形式中有很多這種類型的故事。

而美國媽媽們是否也是一切以孩子爲主，爲他們放棄自己的職業而成爲家庭主婦？把中美兩種文化作比較算是褻瀆嗎？世上的父母都愛他們的子女，但是文化背景的不同會使這種愛的表現方式各種各樣。在某個國家可被接受的方式在另一個國家看來或許會是無度的溺愛。

第一次去美國時，我吃驚地發現，子女假期在家打電話，美國父母會向子女收取電話費，當然這些子女已經上大學了。我想這種情況現在應該不存在了，如今年輕人都有手機，再也不需要向他們父母“借用”了。但是不論你用誰的手機，你都應交話費，就像美國電影頻道HBO電視劇《都市女孩》中的莉娜·杜漢姆飾演的角色那樣，剛大學畢業，她父母就不讓她用家裏的手機。

中國父母對孩子過分溺愛，說這些孩子是“小皇帝”一點也不過分，甚至有過之而無不及。父母十分想把他們的所有都傳給他們的子女，不論是財富或者社會地位。這就有點像貴族把他們的頭銜傳給其下一代一樣。有些貪官以權謀私將其非法所得拿去確保其子女享受他們帶來的便利。這樣做或許違法，但很多人覺得這樣做不違背道德，至少比把錢浪費在包二奶，養小三方面好得多。

父母和子女之間沒有一種“正確的”相處模式。在一種文化中被視爲過分溺愛的行爲或許在另一文化看來就是正常的。而且這種關係還得考慮時代背景。在美國，父母有義務撫養他們的孩子到18歲上大學，而中國的父母會操心地更遠，包括給孩子買房，給孩子找對象以及照料孫子孫女。

這就是爲什麼這個75歲的河南老婦在街頭穿卡通服裝表演的原因，她這輩子或許一直都是這樣想的，她這樣做就能有錢爲兒子找個兒媳婦。她一定覺得在經濟上幫其兒子結婚是她的責任。

要是沒有經濟方面的問題，她兒子只是單純不想結婚呢？在中國，超過25歲還未婚或者還沒有對象的年輕人都會遭到其父母不時地嘮叨抱怨。

以前，父母不支持子女在大學期間談戀愛，因爲會影響到子女的學業。但是一旦你離開校園，也許一兩年內，你就會被催着去找對象並且成家。

無論什麼原因，無奈亦或無需，中國的年輕人正在晚婚。有些人想要多些選擇，有些人只是被迫去相親，還有人在等待命中註定的那個人出現。這些人的父母給他們的壓力會令人窒息。反過來，這些父母們也一刻不停地向朋友或鄰居打聽：“你們的兒子/女兒結婚了嗎？他/她什麼時候結婚？”

結婚後，這種困擾還會一直持續到有小孩後。“你的兒子/女兒有小孩了嗎？他/她是在最佳的育齡內生小孩嗎？”在中國，當上爺爺和奶奶是件大事。三世同堂或四世同堂被認爲是齊人之福，即使家庭成員只在過年期間才相聚。

當孫子降生後，由於培養孩子的傳統方式發生改變，父母和子女之間的矛盾不斷加大。不錯，你可以指望你的父母當保姆無償照顧你的孩子，但這背後的代價是你放棄了撫養孩子的方式或者部分教育方式，而這種教育方式又恰恰與老一輩的做法有出入。

當然，每個家庭都不同，不是所有的父母都這般溺愛，使愛變成痛苦。有些老人會移居海南享受生活，那裏相當於美國的佛羅里達，有些老人會暢遊國內外。但是到目前，能這樣瀟灑的老人畢竟少數。

年輕人不應把所有責難歸於父母。事實上，很多年輕人希望甚至歡迎他們的父母這樣做。當父母爲子女的高額花銷買單以及爲子女尋找潛在的對象時，子女覺得父母親理當如此。

你覺得父母早起爲子女等公車很荒唐嗎？還有比這更荒唐的，老人們會去公園替他們的子女相親，我好奇這相親究竟怎麼進行。

以前，父母甚至會躲在洞房外竊聽新婚男女在做什麼。一有機會，他們就會溜進屋裏檢查牀單是否有落紅。他們要確保新娘是個處女。

嘲笑這種行爲或許有點殘忍，畢竟它關乎文化而不是道德。如果你退一步想，上述所有事情的出發點都是因爲父母關心他們的子女。對父母輩來說，放手這門藝術太難了。但是如果你把你的子女緊緊地栓在身邊，他們又怎能高飛藍天。