出差日漸平常 職場應警惕出差後遺症

Work travel is an increasingly important aspect of the globalised economy. While much attention is paid to the costs and logistics of business travel, little is paid to its effects on close relationships.

出差是全球化經濟中一個越來越重要的方面。人們重視出差的成本和行程安排，卻不太關注出差對親情的影響。

Although such travel is not necessarily detrimental to family life, problems can arise when spouses and children feel abandoned. Dealing with the potential resulting guilt, loneliness or resentment is a challenge that parents manage in both creative and destructive ways.

出差未必會對家庭生活造成有害影響，但如果配偶和子女產生被遺棄感，就可能出問題。出差可能引起內疚、孤獨或怨恨等情感，大人們在遇到這種問題時，有的會採取積極的對策，也有的會消極以對。

Adjusting when returning home can be problematic as pent-up feelings may be released, good and bad. Being greeted with hugs from excited children feels exhilarating, but arguments arising from brewing resentments bet­ween partners can spoil an anticipated blissful reunion. Re­adjusting from hotels and digital communication to the intimacy of family life can leave travellers feeling emotionally out of balance.

如何調試回家以後的生活可能是個問題，因爲被壓抑的情緒（無論好的還是壞的）到這時可能會釋放出來。孩子們興高采烈的擁抱讓人高興，但伴侶之間累積的怨恨導致的爭吵，可能會毀掉期待多時的幸福團聚。從酒店和數字化溝通的生活，切換到親密無間的家庭生活，可能會讓出差歸來者在情感上感到失去平衡。

One mother of three, who travels on average three weeks a month, says that in order to survive the time apart from her children she finds it easier not to think about them. “I miss them terribly, but at the same time my way of coping is to pretend almost that they are not there,” she says. “It’s like they are living in a parallel universe, but not one that I’m in at the moment.”

一位有3個孩子的母親平均每個月出差3周。她覺得，當自己不在孩子身邊時到，不去想孩子會好過一點。“我非常想他們，但同時我應對思念的方式就是幾乎假裝自己沒孩子。”她說，“就好像他們生活在一個平行宇宙裏，而不在我目前所在的宇宙裏。”

Her husband’s recent redundancy has made her family life even more stressful and she finds that travel provides a much needed escape. “When things are so awful, it is nice to be on another continent and to pretend that none of this is happening. It’s like your own little world that belongs to you where you’re not a mother, and you are not necessarily an employee, you’re just this person that goes and sees people.”

丈夫最近被裁員，也讓她的家庭生活變得更加緊張，她覺得出差能讓她逃避這種緊張，這正是她目前急需的。“情況這麼糟的時候，能去另一片大陸、假裝這一切都沒有發生，這挺不錯的。就好像擁有了屬於你自己的小小世界，在這裏你不是母親，也未必得是員工，你只是個四處走、四處看人的旅人。”

Although the children are excited to see her when she returns, they also have ways of expressing their dissatisfaction with her absences. Her eldest daughter tells her, “I just try not to think about you”, while her youngest can express his displeasure by ignoring her and preferring his father.

儘管孩子們見到她回來很高興，但他們也用自己的方式表達對她不在家的不滿。大女兒對她說：“我就試着不想你。”小兒子則不太理她，只願意跟爸爸呆在一起，以此表達對她的不滿。

School evenings can be a reminder of the cost of her absences. “I didn’t even know which teacher was my child’s and that’s when you think, ‘Am I really a bad parent?’, and that’s when the soul-searching happens.”

家長會讓她體會到經常不在家的代價。“我甚至不知道哪個是我孩子的老師，這種時候你就會想，‘我真的是個壞家長嗎？’你會開始反思。”

Peter Fonagy, a child psychoanalyst and chief executive of the Anna Freud Centre in London, has travelled extensively over several decades and many continents for his career. On reflection, he regrets time spent away from his family. “If you ask me now if this was the best way to bring up a family, I would say no,” Prof Fonagy says. “I might have pretended that it was all to do with supporting the family, when it actually was much more to do with my career.”

兒童心理學家、倫敦安娜•弗洛伊德中心(Anna Freud Centre)的首席執行官彼得•福納吉(Peter Fonagy)幾十年來因爲工作關係經常出差，去過很多大洲。回憶往事，他後悔自己有那麼多時間不在家。“如果你現在問我，這是不是養育子女的最好方式，我會告訴你，不是。”福納吉說，“我以前可能假裝這都是爲了養家，但事實上爲了事業需要的成分要大得多。”

He says: “If you ask my kids if I spent too much time away, they would say ‘Yes’. Would I be sad about that? Yes, I would be sad about that.”

他說：“如果你問我的孩子們，我是不是太不着家了，他們會說，‘是的’。他們這樣說會讓我感到難過嗎？是的，我會感到難過。”

He continues: “My suspicion is that a lot of men are a little bit like me. We persuade ourselves that we are not necessary because our wives are so wonderful and better without us. And we convince ourselves that what we are doing for the family and the world at large is just so important that without that degree of person-to-person contact, the world as we know it would disappear down a plughole.”

他接着說：“我覺得許多男性都有點跟我一樣。我們說服自己，我們不是一定得留在家裏，因爲我們的妻子那麼好，我們不在家她們做得更好。我們還說服自己，我們爲家庭、以及整個世界所做的事情是那麼重要，沒有這種頻繁的面對面接觸，我們所知的這個世界就會土崩瓦解。”

Prof Fonagy believes work travel alone does not necessarily cause significant distress in children in the way that a father who is present and who is ex­ceptionally negative or critical can. “Travelling becomes an issue when it creates conflicts between the parents – that is toxic for the children.”

福納吉教授認爲，經常在家、但是特別消沉或嚴厲的父親會讓孩子感到非常痛苦，僅是經常出差的父親倒未必一定會讓自己的孩子像那樣痛苦。“只有在出差導致父母發生衝突時，出差纔會成爲問題——父母間的衝突對孩子是有害的。”

Reactions to being left alone vary. On the positive side, it might encourage spouses left behind to seek more creative outlets or develop themselves professionally. For others, the time apart may even suit them.

對於伴侶不在家，不同人的反應是不一樣的。從好的方面來看，這或許會鼓勵夫妻中被留在家中的那一位嘗試去做更有意義的事情，或尋求職業發展。還有些人甚至更適合這種伴侶不在家的生活。

On the other hand, the spouse at home might feel abandoned, lonely or resentful. They might even retaliate by finding another relationship. Some of their frustration might become unconsciously directed towards the children, or demanding better behaviour from them to compensate for being a largely sole parent.

另一方面，被留在家中的伴侶可能會覺得受冷落、覺得孤獨或心生怨恨。他們甚至可能會另尋新歡來報復。他們可能會不自覺地將鬱悶發泄到孩子身上，或要求孩子表現更好、以補償自己經常獨自照顧孩子的付出。

One woman who struggled with an eating disorder felt relief when her husband left on business trips to South America because she was able to indulge in bingeing. Food replaced intimacy, and this helped her to mitigate feelings of loneliness. “When he started to go away I was excited, I could be left to my own devices, with food, and to smoke as much pot as I wanted,” she says. “Looking back, it was dreadful.”

一名患有飲食紊亂症的女性在丈夫出差去南美時感到如釋重負，因爲丈夫走後她就可以埋頭狂吃了。食物取代了親密，這幫助她緩解了孤獨感。她說：“以前當他開始出差時，我很高興，我能想幹什麼就幹什麼了，想吃多少就吃多少，想抽多少大麻就抽多少。”她又說：“那樣的生活真是不堪回首。”

Her husband also admits that he opted for more trips than necessary to escape a volatile marriage. He also avoided conversations with his children so as not to feel sadness and guilt. “On one side you’re punching yourself because you haven’t spoken to them – on the other side, I just didn’t want to talk to them because it was too painful.”

她丈夫也承認，出那麼多差並非工作需要，而是他自己選擇的，目的是逃離動盪的婚姻。他還避免跟孩子說話，就是爲了避免難過和負罪感。“一方面你感到無比自責，因爲你一直沒有跟孩子們說話，另一方面，我就是不想跟他們說話，因爲跟他們說話讓我太痛苦。”

It was only when his wife recovered from her eating disorder that she began to feel lonely, and came to acknowledge her dependency on her husband. “Now I have that longing for him, I’m excited to see him. I realise I’m not as tough as I thought I was without him.” Since her recovery, the travel brings new challenges. “When he gets back now, I’m very anxious because I feel I have to be this welcoming wife with open arms. And I get quite emotional, because I hold in all my tension while he’s away.”

直到治癒了飲食紊亂症，他的妻子纔開始感覺到孤獨，並承認了自己對丈夫的依賴。“現在我會想他，會很高興見到他回來。我意識到，在沒有他的時候，我不如自己以爲的那樣堅強。”自從她康復後，出差又帶來了新的難題。“現在每當他回家的時候，我就非常緊張，因爲我覺得我得做出歡迎的樣子，張開雙臂擁抱他。我會變得非常情緒化，因爲他不在家的時候我一直把所有情緒都壓在心底。”

Her husband adds that a much anticipated reunion often results in an argument as pent-up feelings are released.

她丈夫說，備受期待的團聚往往以爭吵收場，因爲壓抑的情緒會一下子爆發出來。

Indeed, although homecomings can be jubilant, the returnee can be exhausted, jet-lagged and out of sync with home life. The spouse can also feel that their routine is disrupted, as well as a rush of emotions that have been repressed during the absence.

事實上，儘管旅途歸來令人欣喜，但他本人或許會非常疲憊，時差還沒倒過來，也還沒適應在家的生活。一直在家的伴侶或許也會覺得自己的節奏被打亂了，另一半離家時被壓抑的情緒也會爆發出來。

Prof Fonagy believes, in general, that relationships do not work on a long-distance basis. “The human mind is not designed to maintain genuine partnerships by writing emails, or through Skype, people need to be together. I’m sure there’s lots of examples of successful long-distance relationships, however, on average, I think the more you neglect a relationship, the more the relationship will neglect you.”

福納吉教授認爲，通常而言，長距離感情是無法維繫的。“通過寫郵件或Skype通話來維持伴侶關係是不符合人類天性的——伴侶必須在一起生活。當然，我相信有許多成功維繫長距離感情的例子，但一般而言，我認爲你越忽視一段感情，那段感情就越離你而去。”