科學也能教你如何"快樂廝守到老"
As Daniel Jones, author of Love Illuminated, explains: we spend our youth asking "How do I find love?" and midlife asking "How do I get it back?"
《啓蒙的愛》的作者丹尼爾·瓊斯（Daniel Jones）說：“年輕的時候，我們總是在問‘我怎樣才能找到真愛’？到了中年，我們又會問‘我怎樣才能找回愛’？”
Anyone in a relationship or who plans on being in one needs to know how to keep love alive over the long term. But how do you learn the secret to this? Everyone is happy to explain "how they met" but few give the details on "how they stayed together."
戀愛中或者準備戀愛的人需要了解怎樣才能讓愛長期保持鮮活。但你又怎麼知道其中的奧妙呢？人人都樂於講述“和愛人相遇的過程”，但卻幾乎沒人會細緻地描述“兩人是怎樣在一起”的。
So let's look at what science has to say.
那麼我們來看看科學的解釋。
"Happily ever after" ain't easy
“快樂廝守到老”並非易事
Aside from being the epitome of lazy writing, "happily ever after" is not simple.
除非是隨口說說，否則“快樂廝守到老”並不容易。
Ty Tashiro explains that couples in their first year of mrriages score 86 percent for marriage satisfaction. By the seventh year, it's under 50 percent.
泰·田代（Ty Tashiro）解釋說，夫妻在結婚的第一年對婚姻的滿意度是86%。而到了第七年，滿意度便不超過50%。
Yes, about 50 percent of couples get divorced. Another 10-15 percent separate but do not file paperwork. And 7 more percent are chronically unhappy.
的確如此，有半數的夫妻最終都以離婚收場。另有10%—15%的夫妻會採取分居的方式，但卻不願意簽署離婚協議。而有7%的夫妻長期過着不幸福的生活。
So the real stat is two-thirds of marriages do not live "happily ever after."
因此，真實的情況是有三分之二的婚姻都不會“快樂到老”。
The divorce rate often reported by the media is 50 percent, which is based on Census Bureau data. However, census data does not capture the 10 to 15 percent of couples who permanently separate but do not file formal paperwork for a legal divorce. This means that a conservative estimate of the divorce and permanent separation rate is 60 percent. Add the additional 7 percent of chronically unhappy couples who do not divorce or permanently separate but are consistently unhappy in their marriage, and this means that two-thirds of all married couples do not live happily ever after.
根據人口統計局的數據，媒體經常報道的離婚率是50%。但事實上，統計局的數據並沒有將分居而始終因未簽署正式的協議而合法離婚的10%—15%計算在內。這就意味着，保守來講，離婚及永久分居率是60%。而額外7%的夫妻既沒有離婚，也沒有長期分居，而是長期處於不幸福狀態。也就是說，有三分之二的夫妻都沒有快樂地生活到老。
Why is marriage so hard over the long term?
爲什麼想要長久地維持婚姻如此之難？
One of the main reasons is what science calls it "habituation." Which is a fancy way of saying we get bored.
原因之一就是科學家所謂的“習慣化”。也就是我們常說的“對彼此感到疲倦了”。
Early on, when a couple can finish each other's sentences it's romantic. But over time "predictable" is a huge negative.
從前，如果一個人能夠說出伴侶沒說完的話，那便是一件浪漫的事。但隨着時間的推移，這種“預測”變成了極大的否定。
Chris Rock gets the point across humorously in this video (NSFW):
基思·洛克（Chris Rock）詼諧地在他的節目中解釋了這一點。
Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction, explains that surprise is key to romantic feelings:
《誘惑的藝術》一書的作者羅伯特·格林（Robert Greene）說，驚喜是製造浪漫的關鍵。
Seduction involves a degree of surprise, which is generally the first thing that disappears after you've been in a relationship, and why there's no more seducing that goes on. Everything is familiar and you're no longer surprised by the other person. [The Art of Seduction]
誘惑也含有驚喜的味道，通常情況下，這是戀愛後第一個消失的東西，也是不會再有誘惑的感覺的原因。一切都變得如此熟悉，你也再不會從對方那裏得到驚喜。
So is there any way to bring those tingles back?
那麼是否有辦法可以找回那些東西呢？
Yes. Here's how.
是的，這樣做。
What you can learn from arranged marriages
從包辦婚姻中學到的東西
"Arranged marriage! AGH! Weird!"
“包辦婚姻！真是不可理喻！”
Hold on a sec. We can learn something here. What do researchers find when they compare at 50 arranged marriages and 50 "love" marriages?
等一下。我們可以從中學到些什麼。研究人員對比了50對包辦婚姻的夫妻和50對自由戀愛的夫妻，那麼他們有什麼發現呢？
Love marriages start out happier — but that declines quickly.
自由戀愛的婚姻在開始的時候都是快樂的——但是這種快樂很快就會過去。
Arranged marriages start out less happy, but after 10 years, they're happier than love marriages. And stay that way.
包辦婚姻的夫妻開始的時候不是很幸福，但十年以後，他們會比自由戀愛的夫妻還要快樂，並會一直持續這種狀態。
The couples who had married for love and been together less than a year averaged a score of 70 points out of a possible 91 on the love scale, but these numbers steadily fell over time. The love couples who had been married ten years or longer had an average score of only 40 points. In contrast, the couples in arranged marriages were less in love at the outset, averaging 58 points, but their feelings increased over time to an average score of 68 at the ten or more years mark.
因愛情結婚，在一起不到一年時間的夫妻平均得分是70分，但這些數據會逐年遞減。那些以愛之名結婚，並在一起十年甚至更久的夫妻得到40分。相比之下，包辦婚姻的比例在起初時間裏較少，平均58分，但他們之間的感情隨着時間逐漸變濃，十年或超過十年之時，平均得到68分。
What's the secret behind the long term success of arranged marriages?
從長遠看，包辦婚姻之所以能夠成功的祕訣又是什麼呢？
They have to work at it.
他們需要經營婚姻。
They don't passively rely on "magic" and intense emotion. They have to spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it work.
他們不會被動地相信“奇蹟”或者激情。他們需要花費很長時間思考怎麼樣讓自己的婚姻持續下去。
That process of discovery is ostensibly the fun of courtship, too, except that in arranged marriage the goal is to figure out how to be married, not whether to marry.
發現其中奧妙的過程從表面上看也是一種求愛的過程。除了在包辦婚姻中，主要的目的是弄清楚怎樣經營婚姻，而不是要不要結婚。
Research shows expecting a fairy tale relationship is a prescription for disappointment.
研究顯示對童話故事般戀愛的嚮往會導致失望。
Elements of fairy tales such as Cinderella were present in 78 percent of people's beliefs about romantic love. Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in their relationships than were those who gave less credence to fairy tales.
有78%的人在樹立戀愛的信仰中都會出現像灰姑娘這樣的童話故事元素。這些人比不相信童話故事的人更容易在戀愛中經歷醒悟、荒廢以及焦慮。
Feeling like it's all magic means it's out of your control — and that without that initial magic, it's hopeless.
如果把愛情完全看成是奇蹟，意味着它是不可控的——但如果起初就沒有奇蹟可言，那也就不抱希望了。
The happiness of arranged marriages means a couple can make magic if they try.
包辦婚姻的幸福意味着夫妻二人可以努力去創造奇蹟。
So you need to actively keep the marriage happy. How do you do that?
也就是說你需要積極地讓婚姻保持鮮活。怎麼做呢？
Don't fix the bad. Increase the good.
別去糾正缺陷，去創造美好。
Look at your spouse as something you purchased "as-is." Research shows trying to change themdoesn't work:
將你的伴侶視爲“就是這樣的人”。研究顯示試着改變他們根本無濟於事。
When participants focused their relationship improvement attempts on changing the partner, individuals reported more negative improvement strategies, lower improvement success, and, in turn, more negative relationship evaluations. Results suggest that targeting the partner may do more harm than good despite that relationship evaluations pivot on whether the partner produces change.
當參與者試着用改變對方的方法來增進感情時，每個人都表示這是種消極的方法，成功率很低。結果，這種消極的方法導致對方更容易做出傷害自己的事情，儘管評估報告是隨着其中一方改變而改變的。
John Gottman, researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says 69 percent of a couple's problems are perpetual. These problems don't go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year.
《婚姻七定律》的作者及研究人員約翰·高特曼（John Gottman）稱，夫妻間69%的問題都是永久性的。這些問題不會消失，所以很多夫妻都會不停地爲其爭論下去。
Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind – but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work]
大多數夫妻間的爭論都是沒法解決。夫妻二人年復一年地試着改變對方的想法——但這是不可能的。這是因爲大多數爭論都植根於各自基本生活方式、人格或者價值觀的不同。爲這些不同之處爭論不休，他們只能浪費各自的時間並傷害他們的婚姻。So if you can't change them and they won't change you, how can you reduce the bad stuff?
如果你們不能彼此改變，又怎樣減少爭論呢？
You can't. But you don't need to.
答案是沒法減少爭論。因爲你根本不需要這樣做。
The best relationships are more about increasing the good than reducing the bad.
最棒的婚姻是多去創造美好的事，而不是試着解決爭論。
Divorce may have less to do with an increase in conflict and more to do with a decrease in positive feelings.
離婚跟相互間爭執的增多沒太大關係，但卻與減少積極的情感關係密切。
Shelly Gable, professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara, has demonstrated that how you celebrate is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight.
聖巴巴拉市加利福尼亞大學的心理學教授謝莉·蓋布爾（Shelly Gable）對此發表了自己的看法：慶祝比吵架更有助於加強兩人的感情。
Okay, so you need to increase the good times. What's the best way to do that?
好了，你需要多去做些美好的事情。那麼要怎樣做纔好呢？
(This part is exciting. I mean, literally.)
（這部分令人興奮）
Forget romance. Think excitement.
別再想什麼浪漫了，想象興奮的事情。
Think a pleasant date night is all it takes to keep love alive?
一個美好的約會夜晚是否就能讓愛保持鮮活呢？
Researchers did a 10 week study comparing couples that engaged in "pleasant" activities vs "exciting" activities. Pleasant lost.
研究人員進行了10周的研究以對比“美好的”約會和“興奮的”約會，“美好”沒能戰勝“興奮”。
Those who had undertaken the "exciting" date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the "pleasant" date night group…
相比之下，經歷過“令人興奮的”約會之夜的人對夫妻關係表現出了更大的滿意度。
Why would doing anything exciting have such a big effect on a relationship?
爲什麼“保持興奮”會對戀愛關係產生如此大的影響呢？
Because we're lousy about realizing where our feelings are coming from.
因爲我們並不善於尋找興奮感的來源。
Excitement from any source will be associated with the person you're with, even if they're not the cause of it.
即使興奮感並非由我們的伴侶引起，我們也會這樣認爲。
As happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky explains, excitement experienced mutually brings the tingles back.
正如幸福感研究院索尼婭·柳波米爾斯基（Sonja Lyubomirsky）所說，共同感覺到的興奮會讓愛人們找回戀愛的感覺。
Whether the couples were only dating or long-married, the ones who did the shared novel activity were more likely than the ones who did the shared neutral activity to agree to statements like "I feel happy when I am doing something to make my partner happy" and "I feel 'tingling' and 'an increased heartbeat' when I think of my partner" after the activity than before.
不論是正在約會還是結婚多年的情侶，那些一起做新奇的事情的情侶比那些做平淡的事情的情侶更認同這樣的說法：“當我做一些讓對方快樂的事時，我也感到很快樂”以及“我想到對方時會感到‘悸動’，‘心跳加快’”。
So no boring, lame date nights. Go do something exciting. Go dancing together or anything else you can both participate in as a couple.
所以別讓約會變得枯燥乏味。去做一些刺激的事情。一起跳舞或者任何你們可以作爲情侶共同參與的事。
Sum up
總結
Keeping love alive can be tricky. You need to actively work at it and it's more important to increase the good then to reduce the bad.
讓愛保持新鮮也是需要花心思的。你需要積極地去應對，而且比起消除缺陷，創造美好更爲重要。
And the best way to do that is by increasing excitement.
最好的方式就是增加興奮感。
So you're hopping on roller coasters and going white water rafting — but what do you need to do when you're there?
所以你在想過山車或者去坐冰筏子——但你到了那之後需要做什麼呢？
Pretend you're on your first date.
假裝自己正在進行第一次約會。
Studies show pretending time with a romantic partner was a first date makes it more enjoyable for you and for your partner:
研究顯示，無論是對你還是你的伴侶來說，同一個浪漫的人共度時光都是一種享受。
Across a series of studies, participants underestimated how good they would feel in situations that required them to put their best face forward… participants who were instructed to engage in self-presentation felt happier after interacting with their romantic partner than participants who were not given this instruction…
一系列研究表明，參與者們低估了自我展示能給自己帶來的快樂。展現自己最好的一面並與浪漫伴侶互動的參與者比缺少自我展示的參與者更快樂。
Why? On first dates we make an effort to impress. And we're full of hope.
爲什麼？因爲如果第一次約會就印象深刻，人們就會對此充滿希望。
Love means being a little delusional (Some researchers even think love might qualify as a mental illness.)
愛需要一些妄想（一些研究人員甚至認爲愛也許是一種精神疾病）。
Thinking your partner is better than they really are makes for longer, better relationships.
相信你的伴侶比實際上更好有助於讓你們的關係更長久。更美好。
Sandra Murray and her colleagues have been studying romantic relationships now for several decades, and have found that idealising one's partner is a sure recipe for marital success; moreover, the higher one's ideals are and the more one idealises one's partner, the more satisfied one is with the relationship – and the longer it is likely to last.
桑德拉·莫里（Sandra Murray）和他的同事已對婚姻問題研究了數年，發現將伴侶理想化的確是經營一個成功婚姻的良方。此外，一個人心目中的理想情人越完美，就越是會將伴侶理想化，對自己的感情也會感到越滿意——持續的時間也就越長。
Letting yourself be a little crazy — crazy for your partner — pays off.
讓自己瘋狂一下——爲你的另一半——會有回報的。
