諾貝爾文學經典:《寵兒》第10章Part 5
Paul D could not command his feet, but he thought he could still talk and he made up his mind tobreak out that way. He would tell Sethe about the last three weeks: catch her alone coming fromwork at the beer garden she called a restaurant and tell it all. He waited for her. The winterafternoon looked like dusk as he stood in the alley behind Sawyer's Restaurant. Rehearsing,imagining her face and letting the words flock in his head like kids before lining up to follow theleader.
"Well, ah, this is not the, a man can't, see, but aw listen here, it ain't that, it really ain't, Ole Garner,what I mean is, it ain't a weak-ness, the kind of weakness I can fight 'cause 'cause something ishappening to me, that girl is doing it, I know you think I never liked her nohow, but she is doing itto me. Fixing me. Sethe, she's fixed me and I can't break it.
"What? A grown man fixed by a girl? But what if the girl was not a girl, but something in disguise? A lowdown something that looked like a sweet young girl and fucking her or not was not the point,it was not being able to stay or go where he wished in 124, and the danger was in losing Sethebecause he was not man enough to break out, so he needed her, Sethe, to help him, to know aboutit, and it shamed him to have to ask the woman he wanted to protect to help him do it, God damn itto hell.
Paul D blew warm breath into the hollow of his cupped hands. The wind raced down the alley so fast it sleeked the fur of four kitchen dogs waiting for scraps. He looked at the dogs. The dogslooked at him.
Finally the back door opened and Sethe stepped through holding a scrap pan in the crook of herarm. When she saw him, she said Oh, and her smile was both pleasure and surprise.
Paul Dbelieved he smiled back but his face was so cold he wasn't sure.
保羅·D不能指揮他的雙腳，可是他認爲自己還能說話，於是他下定決心以這種方式爆發。他要跟塞絲談談過去的三個星期：當她從她稱做餐館的那家露天啤酒館下班、單獨回家的時候，揪住她，向她和盤托出。他等着她。冬日的午後看上去已像黃昏，他在索亞餐館後面的巷子裏站着。一邊想象着她的面容，一邊排練，讓詞句在他腦袋裏聚集起來，好像準備排好隊、跟着排頭走的孩子們一樣。
"這個，呃，這事不是，一個男人不能，你瞧，可是噢聽着，不是那個，真的不是，老傢伙加納，我的意思是，這不是個弱點，我能戰勝的那種弱點，因爲、因爲我出了點兒事，是那個姑娘乾的，我知道你覺得我從來不可能喜歡她，可這是她對我乾的。耍我。塞絲，她耍了我，可我甩不掉她。"
什麼？一個壯年男子漢讓一個小姑娘給耍了？可是如果那姑娘不是個姑娘，而是什麼東西假裝的呢？是一個貌似甜姑娘的下流坯，而操她還是沒操她就不是關鍵，問題是他不能夠在124號裏面自由去留，而且危險在於失去塞絲，因爲他不能像個十足的男子漢一樣爆發，所以他需要她，塞絲，來幫助他，來了解這件事情，而他又恥於去乞求他想保護的女人來幫助他，真他媽的。
保羅·D向自己扣起的雙手中呵着熱氣。風疾速穿過衚衕，梳亮了四隻等待殘羹剩飯的廚房狗的皮毛。他看着狗。狗看着他。
後門終於開了，塞絲用臂彎夾着剩飯鍋，邁了出來。她一看見他，馬上"哦"了一聲，微笑裏有喜悅也有驚訝。
保羅·D覺得自己回了一笑，可是他的臉冷得厲害，他自己也拿不準。
